I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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