Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
