Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
