My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Even the bartender felt bad for me
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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