Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
