Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
