i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
