My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
fuck your aforementioned shoe
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
