the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
