I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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