i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
