did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
