i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
