There was a lot of him and a little penis
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
