My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
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You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
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I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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