Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
