he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
