What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Randomize
