i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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