Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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