I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
