Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
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Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
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Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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