Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
