How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
