What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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