Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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