I wish they made helmets for livers.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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