Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
