Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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