Jerry, you need to find god
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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