you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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