I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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