I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
ttyl tear gas
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
