it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
