evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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