i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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