I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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