I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
