M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
