i just sent this text using only my big toe
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Watching her eat just hurts me
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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