We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
