Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
