Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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