I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
