The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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