i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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