He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
