I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
