I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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