I need to stop coming to work sober
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
