I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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