You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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