I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
