She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
