It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
