Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
