I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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