I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
