I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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