I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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