Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
