I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
