you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
