I met the friendliest cop last night
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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