I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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