Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
